How to use sleep affirmations when recovering from abuse

In my journey to break free from a violent partner, I tried re-framing negative thoughts and beliefs. The trouble was that these new thoughts and beliefs didn't easily stick in my mind.

That is when sleep affirmations came along. By listening to positive affirmations while I slept, I transformed my mindset so that I never returned to that toxic relationship. I have also found sleep affirmations in my recovery from family scapegoat abuse.

In this post, I will explore the idea of sleep affirmations, how they can work, and how you can incorporate them into your healing journey.

What are sleep affirmations?

Sleep affirmations are a valuable technique that involves listening to positive thoughts and beliefs during the initial stages of sleep each night. These statements are commonly delivered through an audio recording on a phone or tablet, and are carefully designed to strengthen positive thinking and beliefs, ultimately to drown out any lingering negative thoughts.

How do sleep affirmations work?

When I first started using sleep affirmations a decade ago, I was unsure if they would be effective, but I was eager to try anything to break the cycle of returning to my abusive partner. When sleep affirmations did prove successful, I didn't question why; I was simply grateful for their impact.

Given their success, I continued to use sleep affirmations for various challenges. Over time, I became curious about their workings. Upon further research, I discovered that the answer was not straightforward.

Understanding how we process information

For years, educators believed they should tailor their teaching methods to match each learner's preferred style (visual, auditory, kinesthetic, etc.). However, it now appears that this may not always be necessary. The sensory input required for learning varies depending on the subject matter.

Every time we encounter new sensory information (sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch), our brain forms connections back to previous experiences. These connections, known as 'neural pathways,' are created by our brain's ability to adapt, known as 'neuroplasticity.'

Repetition is crucial

The more we are exposed to something, the stronger the neural pathway becomes in our brain. Therefore, repetition is key to embedding any information - including reshaping thoughts and beliefs. It's logical; we can still recall the lyrics to an old commercial even if we haven't heard it in years because we heard it repeatedly and it became ingrained in our minds.

Repetition's impact on negative messaging

While repetition can reinforce positive messages, it can unfortunately reinforce negative messaging as well.

Enduring gaslighting from my parent during my childhood implanted negative messages in my mind, making it challenging years later to break away from my abusive partner. For me, a crucial aspect of breaking free from domestic violence was replacing those childhood messages by repeatedly listening to a new, empowering message while I slept.

Can we learn while asleep?

In recent years, neurobiologists Dr. Thomas Andrillon and Dr. Sid Kouider have revealed that we can absorb information during sleep.

According to Dr. Andrillon, we can learn information presented during the light sleep stages. However, information heard during deep sleep stages tends to be suppressed later on. Based on this, it makes sense to listen to sleep affirmations when we first go to sleep, whilst our body is still in the light stage of sleep.

Dr. Kouider has mentioned ongoing research on neurocognitive processing during sleep, promising interesting discoveries in the future.

How to use sleep affirmations

Throughout my journey, I've used sleep affirmations to tackle deep-seated negative core beliefs. Drawing from my personal experiences, here are some helpful suggestions:

1. Pinpoint negative thoughts and underlying core beliefs

Negative thoughts often stem from negative core beliefs. A useful technique to unearth these core beliefs is "laddering." Start with a negative thought and keep asking, "...and what does that say about me...?" until you reach a core belief (a statement starting with "I am...").

2. Reframe negative thoughts and associated beliefs

Reframing negative beliefs is usually straightforward as it involves adopting the opposite belief. For example, "I am not lovable" can be reframed as "I am lovable just the way I am."

3. Select suitable sleep affirmation audio messages

In my experience, specific and concise sleep affirmations work best. Select statements that directly target the thoughts and beliefs you aim to reframe. 

4. Obtain or create personalised sleep affirmations

You can purchase sleep affirmations online or create your own using a microphone and audio software.

To make your own:

Record yourself stating the affirmations, incorporating pauses between each one. The brief pause between each statement will ensure your brain has time to absorb the information. Copy the affirmations so they repeat for 2 to 3 hours in length. This will help you capitalise on the peak learning period when you are in light sleep, before deeper sleep begins. This repetition will ensure the neural pathways (for the new information) become stronger.

My sleep affirmations:

I have created sleep affirmations specifically related to domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, and family scapegoating.

You can use these for free.

My audio files are 2 hours long, and contain between 10 - 15 re-framed thoughts, and 4 - 6 positive beliefs. Over the 2 hour period, you will hear each of these thoughts and beliefs between 70 to 100 times. Therefore, if you listen to the file repeatedly, then you will hear these thoughts and beliefs:

5. Play the sleep affirmations

Incorporate playing the affirmations as part of your nightly routine as you settle down to sleep. 

Play sleep affirmations by placing your phone or tablet on your nightstand. Make sure there is plenty of air flow around your device so that it does not overheat.

Adjust the audio so it is loud enough to hear, but not so loud as to distract people in nearby rooms.

Safety note: Avoid placing a phone or table on your mattress or under your pillow, as this may be a fire risk if your phone overheats whilst you are asleep.

6. Track your progress

After a week of listening to the affirmations, reflect on how often you've had negative thoughts and how well the new beliefs have taken root. Consistent listening typically leads to significant improvements over time. Commit to playing the affirmations nightly for 7 to 21 days so that the messages sink in.

Seize the night

Contrary to the belief that sleeping hours are wasted, science suggests that the initial period of sleep is ideal for learning new information. Use these hours to reinforce re-framed thoughts and beliefs, so that you can move forward and reach your goal. This practice has greatly complemented my CBT work and empowered me to leave my abusive partner a decade ago, never looking back.