In my efforts to break free from a violent partner, I sought support from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT focuses on re-framing negative thoughts and beliefs, but I faced challenges in getting these new perspectives to 'embed' in my brain. This is where sleep affirmations played a key role. By listening to positive affirmations while I slept, I was able to strengthen the progress I had made in CBT and transform my mindset so that I never returned to my violent partner. In this post, I will explore the idea of sleep affirmations, how they can work, and how you can integrate them into your healing journey.
Sleep affirmations are a valuable technique that entails playing positive thoughts and beliefs to an individual during the initial stages of sleep each night. These statements are commonly delivered through an audio recording on a phone or tablet, carefully designed to strengthen positive thinking and beliefs, ultimately overshadowing any lingering negative thoughts.
When I first started using sleep affirmations a decade ago, I was unsure if they would be effective, but I was eager to try anything to break the cycle of returning to my abusive partner. When sleep affirmations did prove successful, I didn't question why; I was simply grateful for their impact.
Given their success, I continued to use sleep affirmations for various challenges. Over time, I became curious about their workings. Upon further research, I discovered that the answer was not straightforward.
For years, educators believed they should tailor their teaching methods to match each learner's preferred style (visual, auditory, kinesthetic, etc.). However, it now appears that this may not always be necessary. The sensory input required for learning varies depending on the subject matter.
Every time we encounter new sensory information (sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch), our brain forms connections back to previous experiences. These connections, known as 'neural pathways,' are created by our brain's ability to adapt, known as 'neuroplasticity.'
The more we are exposed to something, the stronger the neural pathway becomes in our brain. Therefore, repetition is key to embedding any information - including reshaping thoughts and beliefs. It's logical; we can still recall the lyrics to an old commercial even if we haven't heard it in years because we heard it repeatedly and it became ingrained in our minds.
While repetition can reinforce positive messages, it can unfortunately solidify negative messaging as well. In the video below, I share how enduring gaslighting from a narcissistic parent during my childhood implanted negative messages in my mind, making it challenging years later to break away from my abusive partner.
For me, a crucial aspect of breaking free from domestic violence was replacing those childhood messages by repeatedly listening to a new, empowering message while I slept.
In recent years, a team of neuroscientists, led by Dr. Thomas Andrillon and Dr. Sid Kouider, has revealed that we can absorb information during sleep, but only during specific sleep stages. According to Dr. Andrillon, we can learn information presented during the initial sleep stages. However, information heard during deeper sleep stages can be suppressed later on. Dr. Kouider mentioned ongoing research on neurocognitive processing during sleep, promising interesting discoveries in the future.
Throughout my journey, I've utilized sleep affirmations to tackle deep-seated negative core beliefs. Drawing from my personal experiences, here are some helpful suggestions:
Negative thoughts often stem from negative core beliefs. A useful technique to unearth these core beliefs is "laddering." Start with a negative thought and keep asking, "...and what does that say about me...?" until you reach a core belief (a statement starting with "I am...").
Reframing negative beliefs is usually straightforward as it involves adopting the opposite belief. For example, "I am not lovable" can be reframed as "I am lovable just the way I am."
In my experience, specific and concise sleep affirmations work best. Select statements that directly target the thoughts and beliefs you aim to reframe.
You can purchase sleep affirmations online or create your own using a microphone and audio software.
Record yourself stating the affirmations, incorporating pauses between each one. The brief pause between each statement will ensure your brain has time to absorb the information. Copy the affirmations so they repeat for 2 to 3 hours in length. This will help you capitalise on the peak learning period when you are in light sleep, before deeper sleep begins. This repetition will ensure the neural pathways (for the new information) become stronger.
I have created sleep affirmations specifically related to domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, and family scapegoating. These are based on the negative thinking I have experienced myself, and can be found on my YouTube channel.
My audio files are 3 hours long, and contain between 10 - 15 re-framed thoughts, and 4 - 6 positive beliefs. Over the 3 hour period, you will hear each of these thoughts and beliefs between 70 to 100 times. Therefore, if you listen to the file repeatedly, then you will hear these thoughts and beliefs:
| Number of times you listen | Number of times you will hear each thought and belief |
| 7 nights | 490 - 700 |
| 14 nights | 980 - 1,400 |
| 21 nights | 1,470 - 2,100 |
To play sleep affirmations, place your phone or tablet on your nightstand. Avoid using headphones to ensure ease of listening. Incorporate playing the affirmations as part of your nightly routine before settling down to sleep.
After a week of listening to the affirmations, reflect on how often you've had negative thoughts and how well the new beliefs have taken root. Consistent listening typically leads to significant improvements over time. Commit to playing the affirmations nightly for 7 to 21 days so that the messages sink in.
Contrary to the belief that sleeping hours are wasted, science suggests that the initial period of sleep is ideal for learning new information. Use these hours to reinforce re-framed thoughts and beliefs, so that you can move forward and reach your goal. This practice has greatly complemented my CBT work and empowered me to leave my abusive partner a decade ago, never looking back.